ThexTopxShelf on Xanga

Weblog

Friday, 27 January 2012

I don't burn bridges. Not really.
I just pick a side and watch them rot away, fall into direpair and fade into nothingness.

I hope for a world someday where everyone takes to try to understand opposing opinions. I'm sick of people being insecure enough to feel that other ways of living are an attack on their own.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Damn, can't ever seem to shake start-of-semester anxiety.
Or just anxiety in general.
It's all this damn thinking I do. Rotten habit, that.
There has always been something, though. Something so far and treacherous in the middle of it all, something I let my thoughts skirt around but never settle on, even now, writing about it. The clearest idea I get is just one image, one thought that can kill me if I let it. Killing me even now, just by existing, just slowly. In a way I can work around, for a while. Maybe forever, if I want.
I can ignore it, but I never forget it. Sometimes I want to think on it. Give it my full attention. Just to see what happens.
But there's a wall that won't let me do that. I think I made it. Probably I can destroy it, if I try. But I never do. Never test it. It's just enough to scare my thoughts back in the opposite direction. And so the anxiety begins. Sends my head in a panic, my heart tremoring, my fingers reaching, picking at anything they can destroy in an attempt to relieve me.
The walls we make inside ourselves don't have to be powerful to be effective, it seems. All they have to do is sit right in front of you and dare you to tear them down.

Tuesday, 03 January 2012

Not quite sure what I came here to write about. Maybe music. Maybe fear. Maybe my resolution to give up caffeine.
I'll just skip all of that. This can be just another dream entry.
It's been hard to hold onto them lately, to remember all of it. Here's what I do remember.
In one, I've got this lump on my upper right leg. It moves a little and it feels wrong, so I cut into it. It's a worm, long and white and folded all back and forth on top of itself. I grab one end of it, avoiding a sucking, snapping mouth, and start pulling it out of me. It's long, and sometimes when I tug it, it breaks into two and the new ends turn into mouths that snap at me, but I just grab it again and keep pulling it out. It hurts, but even greater than the pain is the feeling of relief. Relief that it will be gone, out of me, and I'll be clean again.
I tried telling Claire and Mom about it, but they got grossed out. I don't think I can make them understand the relief part, how great it felt for the bad stuff inside of me to be tangible, something I could easily grab and take out of myself.
Another dream is more recent and also more foggy. I remember Dad and I went to see tigers. Two of them, trapped in a stadium of concrete and electricity. I watched them and felt fear and also sadness. I was torn between being scared of them and wishing I could set them free.
Huh.

I really hate that feeling I get when I make some decision or follow through with some action or speak some words, and even as I'm doing whatever it is, I know that it's wrong. That I'm making a mistake, yet even as I'm making it I can't stop myself. It's not regret, exactly. Maybe horror. Maybe both.

Thursday, 08 December 2011

Currently
Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys
By My Chemical Romance
see related

I have spent the last three days living off of granola bars and water. And an apple and a PBJ. I think a little tofu, too.
Last exam is tomorrow. Then after I check my dorm floor, I go home and start working. Holiday shopping, shipping, getting things ready for next semester. Definitely hanging with Quinn. Maybe I'll write the entire Follies script. Hopefully I can get the shopping done without running into anyone who recognizes me.
That sounds snobby as hell but I really can't stand being in that town.
At any rate, I'll be keeping busy.
As much as I feel stressed out by all the work I do at school, I know I need it. I get restless when things are too quiet. Can't relax, start thinking funny. Stuck in my head.
One thing I can always rely on, though, is MCR's music. Holy shit, do I always come back to it. It's been a year since their last album came out and I still enjoy the hell out of it. I started singing Destroya in front of my suitemate today and I think it scared her.
They are my fellow Dirty Jerseyans. Damn, y'know, I hope Quinn never forgets Jersey.
Stop growling, stomach. All you're going to get is another granola bar.

Feeling the end-of-semester burnout hard.

Wednesday, 07 December 2011

A recent theme in my life seems to be me pushing boundaries. Testing limits.
Another theme: exams. Oh, the chokehold they have on my life right now.

Also I've had a cold since last week.
This morning, my nose started bleeding during my exercise physiology exam. I didn't notice until the people around me started freaking out.

Elijah Wood is just adorable.

Staff meetings, dinner meetings, study groups, projects, papers, fundraisers. It's no wonder the only thing I want to do when I get home is sleep.

Micah was drawing on my arm earlier and I can't tell what it's supposed to be. A flower? Banana? Palm tree? Possibly a pot leaf.

I've been screwing up words all day. My favorites are "imaginize" and "festivitate".